The Anti Ana
A safe alternative to the dangerous world of Pro-Ana.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Ana says my best friend is dying.
But then, my scale. My damn Achilles heel. That 14 inch piece of plastic and springs that I love in a really fucked up way.
She's dying.
At first, I thought it was just a battery dilemma. I thought I could resuscitate her by popping in two fresh AA batteries. When it didn't work, my denial told me that the batteries weren't qualified to power such a personified machine. But even the freshest Energizers couldn't completely revive the one I affectionately call "Scaley."
Sure, I can get a reading, if I want to step on and off of her 4-5 times, waiting approximately 25 seconds between each attempt. But this has significantly hindered my ability to know my weight at all times. I can't hop on when I am half asleep, having woken up because I love drinking all the tea at night. I don't have the time to check my weight real quick before I run out the door to work, for the third time that morning, or when I'm home on my lunch break, trying to take care of the puppy and household cleaning duties.
I can't weigh myself - shower - weigh myself- get dressed - weigh myself - do my hair - eat breakfast - weigh myself. Now, if I want to know my weight, I need to dedicate a solid 2 1/2 minutes to accommodate my dear friend's ailing health.
Thankfully, even I realize that spending 25 minutes per day standing on a scale is a little ridiculous, so I have reduced my weigh-ins from about 10 per day to maybe 3. I know, so normal, right?
The turmoil extends beyond not just being able to know my weight to the tenth of a pound all day, every day. A part of me seriously fears that maybe I'm not getting the accurate numbers anymore. I have depended on this scale for over 6 years. And because it's me, that is probably over 20,000 registered weights. I am not ready to part with the consistency of using the same scale. I am not ready to give up what has validated my success and condemned my failures.
I don't think I could ever love or trust a new scale, but I don't think I could ever live without one.
This puts me at a crossroads, one that I feel like many people could relate to. It's not going to be a scale for everyone. But maybe it's an abusive partner. Or a bottle of Jack. Do they take that brave step away, into a scary life of self-reflection and freedom? Or do they turn around only to find themselves looking for the next jackass or next bender - different, but somehow exactly the same - because it's the only way they know?
What am I if I don't have the tangible proof of my gravitational pull on earth?
How will I be judged if not by that number?
Am I ready to find out?
Friday, July 25, 2014
I may be anti Anti Ana...
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Welcome to The Anti Ana
Welcome to the Anti Ana!
For a while now, I have been thinking about how my blog needed new life. I think I stopped posting on a regular basis because, well, my life got boring and normal, which is great. But no one wants to read stories about how I got my fiance a sweater at Kohl's for 83% off. (That's what qualifies as exciting for me, and I wouldn't have it any other way.)
But my current happiness and stability does not mean that I can't be an advocate. I still have all that experience behind me that I can use to maybe support someone else who is struggling today. After pondering what I could do via this blog, the idea of the Anti Ana was born.
Have you heard of pro-ana websites? They are horrible sites disguised as helpful and supportive communities of (mostly teenage and 20-something) girls trying to lose weight. In reality, they share awful tips on how to hide and fuel your eating disorder. Instead of encouraging each other to get help, they provide tips on how to purge, trick doctors, and alienate questioning friends.
I have told you all before how I used to be an active member on a few of these sites. Not proud to admit that. But now that I am in good health mentally and physically, I can see the damage it causes, and I want to help. My goal isn't to get these sites shut down or arrest the creators. I want to give these girls a safe place to go to for healthy alternatives to the harmful tips that they are receiving from their "friends" on the pro-ana sites. This is the Anti Ana.
Each blog post will feature one tip that floats around on those sites. Instead of berating anyone for trying it (lord knows I probably did), I will provide a healthy and effective alternative. No, I'm not an expert. But I have tried my fair share of dangerous weight loss techniques and have spent countless hours with professionals teaching me the safe way to sustain myself. I want to pass that on.
Sorry to all of you who enjoyed my late-night, psychotic rambling rants. Good times, huh? I won't be deleting them, so you can still reminisce by browsing through past posts. Have fun!
I hope that this new (and improved?) version of my blog finds its way to girls in need.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
"How to Become Anorexic"
Well, remember this blog post? I decided to explore things a little further. If my humble little blog is getting thousands of hits from people who I assume are suffering, looking for the bright side of their dark situation, whatever it may be, via the soft glow of a non-judgmental computer, what is all of Google getting?
Ask, and you shall receive, no matter how dismal, dark, and depraved, when it comes to the world wide web. I took to Google Trends to plug in a couple keywords. After researching the Google stats on some highly important terms, such as my full name and a few phrases that would probably get my AdSense account revoked, I got down to business.
"Anorexia" is a highly searched word. As are phrases, such as "symptoms of anorexia." No surprise there. But the volume at which they are searched meant nothing to me unless I had something compare it to. And these were my awful findings:
Thursday, May 1, 2014
I'm on a Drug Called Life!
So, umm, sorry about that. Even I was rolling my eyes when I looked them over.
Thankfully, all that is over! And it has been for about 6 months. In a pretty risky move back in October or November, I weaned myself off those nasty pills. All of them, save for the Loraz and the Ambien. Rather speedily, I should add. Whoops.
This was back when I had been stable for 9 months or so. This was back when I had started my grown-up career. I couldn't afford, financially or emotionally, to not function appropriately. Those pills, those damn pills, either had me slugging along, having to coax each foot every time I took a step. Thanks, Risperdol. Or, per my doc`s remedy, I was tripping over my words, unable to make my tongue keep up with my mind. Not so great when the majority of my job included talking to people and giving presentations.
That was my Adderall experience, which will be elaborated on later. Seriously, why do people like that crap?
Anywho, I am, for the most part, drug free. And yes, it is everything I was hoping for and more. I get happy, sad, angry. My creative energy makes an appearance every now and again. And, the best part, I know that I am in control, not being controlled.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Happy Tuesday
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Whelp, I can try again in 10 days
- Only 45% of Americans actually make a New Year's resolution.
- Only 8% of people who do make one actually achieve their goal.
- But nearly half of the successes are achieved by people in their 20's.
- The most common resolution is to lose weight. (Shocker!)
- Alright, I'm not that original. In 2014, I want to get in shape. I want to drop the weight I put on with these bleepity bleep pills, and I want to tone up so that I don't threaten to stab the mirror when I try on shorts come June.
- I want to spend the year focusing on my writing. I need to flesh this out a little bit more. Maybe commit to narrowing the focus of my blog and actually contributing to it once a week. Or maybe I want to seriously invest some time on that novel I've been working on. (And by working on, I mean mentioning about once every 2 months. Yeah, progress.)
- I need one goal that isn't all about me and my dreams. But I need to realize that I might not be able to take on the world. So my third New Year's Resolution is to help Boyfriend achieve his goals in whatever way I can. Whether that means playing an active role in his ambitions or being a cheerleader as he does the brunt work, I can't say yet. But after all the encouragement he has given me these past 2 years to build me up to what I am today, damn, does he deserve it.