I Can Sit at the Adult Table Now

I've been thinking about stress a lot these last couple of weeks. There's bad stress, the perceived stress I get from hating what I see in the mirror. The reliving of past stress when I have a flashback dream to my dark days. The actual stress from not having enough hours in the day. 

Then there's good stress. For example, it can be damn stressful having friends who want to see me on the weekend when all I want to do is drink wine and make funny noises at my cat. But what's really been eating away at my sanity is the great stress that comes with having an "adult" job. 

(There's my segue.)

Yes, my temporary position at United Way has turned into a permanent staff position. I am the new Manager of Volunteer Engagement at the United Way in Waukesha County. And let me tell you, it is a fantastic and horrible thing at the same time. 

Let's start out with the fantastic. I have an office. I'm salaried. I have health benefits. I have interns I can pass off work to. I can guarantee you that my boss is more awesome than your boss. I work 3 minutes away from home, so I can spend an hour in the middle of the day in front of my TV not wearing pants. Be jealous.

But every silver lining has a cloud, or something like that. Every rainbow has rain. There's a bad side, is what I'm trying to say. I have people that are actually depending on me now. I have a schedule filled with meetings, luncheons, and press releases. I can't have an "off" day where I punch in for 8 hours only to browse the interwebs until I can retreat to the safety of my apartment. I need to be "on" for 40 hours a week. Making phone calls. Meeting with agencies. Drafting reports. Not letting people down.

Don't get me wrong. I love my job. I am so proud of myself for beating out people with more experience because I was a candidate with creative ideas and genuine passion. And I feel like I'm where I was meant to be, helping people in a very direct and noticeable way. I can picture United Way being the last place I work before Boyfriend gives me babies. (Yup, baby fever has struck. But that's a-whole-nother post.) In a nutshell: I now have a career, not a job.

Now that I've taken the opportunity to brag a little bit, back to my original thought. Stress. The symptoms of stress don't differentiate between good and bad. Even though I have a fantastic life with virtually nothing to complain about, the good stress I'm feeling manifests itself the same way bad stress would. And it all culminated this past Sunday. Sitting in my beautiful home with my fantastic boyfriend wearing a new outfit and making plans for our bright future, I totally lost it. I was a blubbering mess. And not just once. Twice. I broke down crying for an hour, picked myself up (with the massive helping hand of Boyfriend), and started over a few hours later.

I have my moments where I think I can't do it. That I'm not "normal" enough to handle a real job. That my mental illness is going to fuck up everything like it has in the past. I'm afraid I'm going to turn this into a self-fulfilling prophecy, disappointing everyone who loves me and proving right everyone who doesn't. And then all hell breaks loose like it did this Sunday.

But then Monday morning came, I went to work, rocked it, and felt confident that I won't have a repeat of last weekend. Maybe I just had to flush all the negative out of my system. And maybe that mood won't strike me again until I get a promotion and the good stress is compounded. 

The real reason I'm writing this morning is because I wanted to turn to my beloved readers for help. I want you wonderful people to hold me accountable. Shit probably hit the fan because I stopped all my "keep Mary from going crazy" strategies. Who has time to meditate, exercise, and write in their journal when they have a full time job? Someone who wants to hold onto their awesome job, that's who. This girl right here.

So you don't have to do shit besides read this, but seeing the page views on this post will encourage me. It will remind me that I told X number of people that I was going to resume my coping strategies in order to keep the positive momentum going in my life. Starting today. 

Starting now.