To My Anorexic Readers

I don't know how many of you are bloggers yourselves. Aside from a few regulars, you seem to be the "lurk in the shadows" type of readers who frequent Zoloft and Coffee, but don't comment. I know this because Blogger.com has this nifty tool you may not know about that allows me to see how many people are viewing my site, what outside site they are being directed from, what country they live in, and, for those of you coming from Google, Bing, or Yahoo, what you typed into the little box to get you sent my way. And that is what I am here to talk about today.

Months ago, way back in December when I was brand new on the blogging scene and freshly out of the mental illness closet, I put up a post titled Top 10 Benefits of Being Anorexic. Of course, it was totally facetious. There is nothing good about anorexic, and the post was meant to be a total joke. I figured if I made fun of the issue before anyone else had a chance to do so, I the upper hand. I also thought, "Who the hell is going to read this anyways?"

Well, it turns out, a lot of people. Since December, I have gained a small following. I'm no Perez Hilton, but I have a blog that actually gets read every time I post. And that list that I thought would be read by a few friends who could laugh along with me is being seen by hundreds of people who search "Benefits of Being Anorexic," "Pros of Anorexia," "Advantages to Anorexia," and similar phrases. Aside from "Zoloft and Coffee," these are the top keywords used to find my blog.

This breaks my heart. I imagine young girls sitting alone in front of a computer desperately looking for something to cling to, some way to take control of their lives when another aspect of it is spinning out of control. I picture a slightly overweight girl in high school searching for a solution to end the bullying. I think of my sisters and younger cousins, at such impressionable ages, typing that into a search box and not making it to my page but instead to one of those awful pro-anorexia community sites.

I used to be one of those girls. I used to be involved in the web-based Pro-Ana community. I would spend hours trying to figure out how to make the hunger pangs disappear. How to hide my illness. How to burn more calories. How to barely survive. I would talk to other girls who were going through the same thing I was, girls who had the extreme desire to be skin and bones, rid of the sin that is fat. We fed off each other's illness. I am not proud to admit that I was an active member on these sites, but the fact of the matter is that when you are in that situation, you want nothing more than to be with someone who understands.

This is to all those girls hoping beyond hope that anorexia is a friend to lean on: I understand. I know what it is like to be that desperate, feel that alone, hate your body that much. I have sought comfort in that empty feeling, trying to make myself pure. I have craved the power and control that comes from denying basic human needs. I understand. I do.

I know there is nothing I can say that will change your mind. I am not a therapist. I am not your friend. I am a stranger over the internet, but so are the people promoting Ana. Even though I know there is nothing I can say, I am going to try anyways.

I am not going to tell you you're beautiful. I used to read that on the internet all the time, and I had the typical, "You don't even know me response." I'm not going to spout cliches like "It gets better" and "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." In my case, shit got way worse before it got any better. (But, ahem, it did get better.)

What I can say with absolute certainty, no matter who you are or what your situation is, is that your body does not deserve that kind of treatment, and your mind does not deserve to be in the jail you are creating. Anorexia is like using extreme methods of torture on yourself that would have anyone else who tried using them on someone else locked up for life. You are depriving yourself of the happiness and health you do deserve.

In an ideal world, you would now make an appointment with your doctor, therapist, find a support group, and head to McDonald's, but I know that is not how this works. It will probably still be a struggle for you to put dressing on your salad. The words I said maybe resonated for a few seconds, but the rumbling in your stomach was louder than me. I understand. I am not asking you to change your life overnight. I am just humbly requesting that you think about what you are doing to yourself for a moment. Write about it in your journal. Meditate on it. Ponder it over next time you go for a run. I don't care; just give it a moment.

And if in that moment you decide that just maybe you want to fight back, do something with it. X out of your diet pages, and go to RecoverYourLife.com. Put away your daily calorie journal, and open up to a friend. Hell, you can even message me. I am a good listener.