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| My Personal Pill Collection |
50 mg x 44.5 pills = 2,225 mg Zoloft
25 mg x 5 pills = 125 mg Zoloft
TOTAL = 3,150 mg ZOLOFT
300 mg x 142 pills = 42,600 mg Lithium
600 mg x 14 pills = 8,400 mg Lithium
TOTAL = 51,000 mg LITHIUM
0.5 mg x 60 pills = 30 mg Lorazepam
25 mg x 60 pills = 1,500 mg Lamictal
25 mg x 15 pills = 375 Seroquel
After coming home with yet another goody bag of pills, I decided to do a little bit of morbid math. Here were my findings:
- If I took all of the Zoloft I have right now, I could cause some serious, potentially irreversible damage to my internal organs. If I mixed those pills with a decent amount of alcohol, I could probably kill myself.
- I could probably kill myself twice with all the Lithium I have in stock. Again, let's factor in the variable of some alcohol. Then, I could certainly kill myself twice.
- The Lorazepam could possibly kill me if I took it all with a bunch of alcohol. Respiratory depression would be the cause of death if I wasn't found in time.
- Taking all my Lamictal and Seroquel wouldn't kill me, even if I did mix them into a few cocktails, but they would probably require an ambulance, an IV or two, and some serious hospital time.
- If I took all the pills, I would be dead.
How did I acquire such an arsenal of mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, narcotics, and sedatives in the 4 months that I have been seeking help, you ask? Let me show you my secret:
Doctor: Have you ever been on medication?
Me: Yes. I hated it. I don't want to just numb my feelings; I want to figure it out what's wrong and fix it.
Doctor: Have you ever tried (insert drug)?
Me: No, but I don't want more drugs thrown at me yet.
Doctor: (Drug) has been found to be very helpful in many cases like yours.
Me: How do you know my... Uh... We just met 3 minutes ago... *befuddled head tilt*... You can't...know...
Doctor: You may experience nausea, insomnia, tremors, forgetfulness, skin rash, dizziness, fatigue, etc. But just keep taking them twice a day until I can see you again in a month. ItwasgreatseeingyouMary.TakeCare.Don'thesitatetocallmedirectlyifthereareanyproblems.Bye!*slam*
Me: But... you didn't give me your number...
I have gone into every appointment very clearly voicing my dissatisfaction with the meds I've been put on and my extreme desire to find a more natural route. But when we are allotted 15 minutes for me to explain my struggles in the past and fears for the future with time to spare for the doctor to fill out paperwork, complete their notes, and write prescriptions. That leaves about 5 minutes for me to voice what I really need to keep from freaking the fuck out on a daily basis.
Four months later, I'm still freaking the fuck out on almost a daily basis.
I am just totally, utterly, and thoroughly appalled, disheartened, and riled that they are handing that many drugs to someone who openly admits that death sometimes seems like a better option. I am still alive because of my own strength and the love I am lucky enough to have in my life. Not because of any help I have received from these governmentally-funded drug pushers.
I want options.
I want someone who listens.
I want more than 15 minutes.
dude. I don't know what kind of financial situation you are in (I would guess tight doesn't begin to describe) but check out Devona Marshall. She has offices in Cedarburg and West Bend and she is incredibly kind and compassionate and she listens without judging. And she is the first therapist I have ever had that actually remembers the nuances of my story and doesn't mix me up with other patients. She is not a doctor so she CAN'T prescribe meds (she is a certified counselor or whatever the program is called in WI, so its not that she isn't professionally trained, she just doesn't buy in to pharma as the only answer) and she is all about natural options when there are some. Call her and see if you can do something. Please. Its worth a try.
ReplyDeleteShe sounds like someone I would certainly be interested in. Thank you for sharing. And Yes, money is more than tight for me at the moment. Free care is almost too expensive for me. But then again, I can't really afford to keep living the way I am. Do you have any advice on what I can do for natural options?
DeleteA pharmacist might be able to help you find some natural options. Of course they will prob tell you to take your medicine and go to a doctor, but they could potentially find something for you that is OTC/herbal. Don't go to Walgreen's on Brady or on the East Side. They suck. BEWARE, if you do decide to take your prescriptions make sure to look up the herbal-prescription interactions. For example, St. John's Wort interacts with Zoloft, Alprasolam (xanax), Prozac, amitriptyline, and a bunch of other SSRIs. People never think to check interactions with herbals.
ReplyDelete