Eight years ago, you told me to stop writing. You told me that putting my true feelings to paper could only get me in trouble. You told me that once it is written, I could never take it back. But you didn't consider that I didn't want to take it back, that maybe I had no other way of expressing myself. You chose to ignore the desperate cries for help that were written in those journals. Fuck, you ignored the cries for help etched into my wrist. Instead, you tried to shut me up.
Now, for the first time in my life, I am writing exactly what I feel. And I don't give a damn who reads it. But you don't get to jump in to save the day on your terms. I'm sure you have been following this blog all along and maybe mocking me for my insane behavior or congratulating yourself on being right about what a fuck up I am. Shaking your head, shrugging your shoulders, telling your friends and family, "We tried." Don't think it isn't transparent that you only reach out to me the one day I post about losing hope.
What's really fucked up is that I am more concerned about your thoughts and feelings than my own right now. I want to put on a fake smile, tell you everything will be ok, and shut down this blog. Shut down my one outlet. Again. So that you can feel better, put yourself up on your moral high horse, and take pride in thinking that I can't survive without your compass. But for my sake, I can't do that. I need to keep you at a distance until I can sort out who I can trust and who is a trigger for my insanity.
I'm sorry I don't fit into your vision of a perfect family.
I'm sorry I can't pretend the past didn't happen.
I'm sorry I have mental illnesses I don't know how to control.
I'm sorry you didn't realize this a decade ago.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you how bad it was a decade ago.
I'll probably be sorry I posted this.
I love you Mary,
ReplyDelete<3 Alexis
I love you too, Alexis. So much.
DeleteBetter to let it out than keep it bottled up inside Mary. There will come a time where you will be able to see the imperfections of humanity and learn to have compassion and understanding of the so called "normal perfect people" If were honest we all have our inner battles sometimes really bad days, weeks, years. Sometimes better days, weeks months and years but when we realize we all hurt in someway and at sometime we can say we are not really alone or are the only one but perhaps develope a little compassion knowing they are having their stuff too. Keep on Keeping on and don't stop writing!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your support! And hopefully I will soon be in a better place where I can heal from this and work within the imperfect world as opposed to crying on the fringes.
DeleteEnough is enough!...You are loved! Have you ever considered focusing on the good in the day instead blogging constantly on the shit you’ve apparently succumbed to? I do not pretend to understand the anxiety or depression you battle, nor do I hold any educational credentials that tell me I am more qualified to tell you what’s right in this situation, but I am confident is saying: Happiness is tough! In fact, it’s a hell of a lot harder than self-wallowing. It takes the effort to get up every morning and see the good in the day, the one moment when something did go right, and then the ability to pull energy from it. Perhaps the reason that doctors or peers don’t want to you write about your triggers, is not because they don’t care, or don’t want to spend the time, but instead, because to create a blog with the sole focus of sharing your daily tortures is self-destructive! It’s a constant reminder of how easily you can swing from one extreme to another, a trigger in itself. You have to keep yourself in the mindset of depression, feel the anxiety of your daemons constantly; otherwise, those feelings are never transposed correctly. I challenge you to:
ReplyDeleteGet it together
Don’t let this break you
You are more than this title you’ve placed on yourself
Suck it up
You’re stronger than you think
You’re going to be ok
Stop crying
GET IT TOGETHER
Fuck this guy. People who haven't been there can say suck it up all they want. Its not possible. Next time you have the flu, suck it up and stop being sick fucktard.
DeleteThank you! I'm glad you said it so I didn't have to. I mean, really, does anyone think I want to be like this?!
Delete