The sun is shining. The birds are singing. And the mercury is rising. Which means clothes are being shed and skin is exposed. And black clouds are rolling over that sunshine of mine. Maybe that is a bit dark. I am truly loving this weather. In fact, I'm itching to spend the weekend outside and go camping. Or whatever it is that city girls call camping. Ok, I want to drink around a fire. But that exposed skin, it's been getting to me.
Let's tackle the easy one first, the one that is bothering probably 90% of girls in Wisconsin. I've still got my winter weight. BUT I've got the extra 10 pounds I put on because of that damn medication that makes me a lazy fuck. Slow down, Mary. Stay calm. Breathe. I went to buy shorts with Boyfriend yesterday, and while I made it out of Kohl's without tears, I did have that moment where I looked in the mirror and saw a blob. "Lard ass" and "nauseating" and "obscene" flashed clearly across my vision like spelling words on Sesame Street. And they bubbled up for the next couple of hours.
Now realistically, I know that I'm not disgusting. That is, if I can trust the numbers and Boyfriend. And the professionals who roll their eyes at me. But the fact that I am a good 3 sizes larger than I was before I went into treatment is fucking with me pretty hardcore. The fact that I can't see bones for the first time in years is sending my head spinning.
I'm not going to let anorexia get her grip on me again though. I am going to eat right and exercise and all that jazz. Living with anorexia is hell, so I am going to make a conscious effort not to fall prey like I usually do this time of year.
But there is another issue. One that I haven't really had to deal with until now. My scars. I have scars all up and down my one arm, and I am having to get used to bare them for all to see unless I want to wear long sleeves all summer. Which I don't. For months, I was able to easily hide them with no question. Now, not so much.
I can feel people's eye burning holes in my arms when they see them, and I so desperately want to explain that I am not crazy, that I was going through a rough time, that I'm past it. Look, they are all old and healed! But I know that doing that would be entirely counterproductive. So instead, I pretend that I don't notice them noticing, turn my arm inward slightly so maybe they will be less visible, and wait for Mederma to go on sale.
Maybe nobody is even looking. Maybe I am imagining that people are staring at my arm. Either way, I am not comfortable in my own skin, quite literally, these days.
Had that exposed skin problem for years. Many face soaps and acne meds contain benzyl peroxide (spelling?) and that will help lighten dark spots if you use in the shower. Careful - it may bleach your towels. And things like light hoodies and fingerless gloves are great. I frequently cite my fair skin and skin cancer in case people get nosy. And while you may think they are looking, they probably aren't. Well, maybe they are, but less than you think. People are notoriously unobservant. To this day I don't think my parents knew my old habits.
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