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| Its the Mystical Mallard, the rare and endangered Zen Duck - trouble rolls off its back like water off, well, a Duck. Zen Ducks can't fly coz they are unflappable. |
Let me just give you a brief overview. I'm not going to go into the philosophy of the practice because I won't be able to do it justice. Since I have not even become a student of Vipassana, I have no right to act as a teacher. But I can fill you in on what I learned as a visitor interested in maybe, potentially, possibly becoming a student.
This center, and ones like it all across the world, hold 10 day retreats that teach their students how to practice this ancient form of meditation. Each center plays the same audio tape so that it is totally uniform. No person learns it in a different way or gets at it from an alternative direction based on the location or teacher. Whether you are doing it in Illinois, New York, India, or Japan (I don't know if there is a center in Japan), you will be listening to the exact same instructions. And these instructions have been perfected over thousands of years. So if you follow them, you are pretty much guaranteed a life-changing experience.
Don't let the fact that they call it a retreat fool you. This is not a vacation. It is 10 solid days, from 4 in the morning until 9 at night, of meditating. Of healing your subconscious, crying, and pain. Of not eating after the noon hour. Of reflection and awareness. Of hard work.
Now for the kicker. The aspect that really separates the men from the boys and makes me think that, as much as I appreciate meditation, believe it is a valuable cog in my treatment machine, and am willing to work to achieve peace, I could not do a Vipassana retreat. As part of the experience, each student has to sign a promise of noble silence. Noble silence equals not communicating for the whole 10 days.
Some of you who know me personally may be thinking, "Mary, you could handle that, no problem. I knew you for 2 1/2 months before you spoke a word to me." Ok, fair enough. I don't talk much. It's not my thing. But noble silence goes well beyond just not talking. Since no one else is talking, there is no one to listen to. There is no gesturing. There is no eye contact. There is no music. There is no reading or writing, my bread and butter. What's that Lord Byron quote? "If I don't write to empty my mind, I'll go mad." I feel ya, bro.
10 long days of being totally stuck in my head. That sounds dangerous. I talked to one of the teachers about it, explained that I'm a little bit crazy and sometimes the lack of engagement can send me headfirst into a black pool of hell, more or less, as my mind races to the worst, and she told me that I would need to be interviewed to ensure that this is something that's safe for me to do. It may not be. It's not for everyone.
*Sidenote* On this trip to Illinois, I was reminded that, yes, I definitely still have bipolar disorder. I forgot to refill my lunchtime pills in my purse before we left, which means I was unmedicated for the second half of our adventure. And around 5:00 in the afternoon, I felt it. I could feel it in my head, my heart, and my stomach, the floodgates about to crumble, but thank god I had my anti-anxiety pills on hand. Crisis averted.
So, what do we do now? Now that the monsters may potentially steal the rug out from under me. Boyfriend is going to do it. In fact, he is totally pumped and ready to take on this challenge. And that makes me happier than he realizes. It is about damn time that he does something for himself. It will be good for him to get away from the craziness that is the girlfriend, in a good way, and work on his spiritual and mental well being. And I am so proud of him for jumping in the deep end. In a couple of months, he is going to learn the ways of Vipassana on a 10 day silent retreat. And he will bring back the wisdom to our humble home.
Until he comes back and gives me some insight as to whether or not it would kill me, I am dedicating myself to other forms of meditation. Like that at the Milwaukee Zen Center or Milwaukee Mindfulness. I have phone apps with guided meditation and breathing techniques and, just to prove I don't do anything half-assed, we got rid of our couch, replacing it with pillows. We are going to get used to sitting on the floor, goddammit. (By "got rid of," I mean we put it in the basement. We didn't, like, set it on fire after coming home from the open house. So we're not that crazy, right?)
In order to keep myself from rambling on about things totally not related to becoming zen, I am going to end it here. But here are a couple topics you have to look forward to in the coming weeks (assuming I sit down to write).
- Lifestyle Change #2: Boyfriend and I are wheat free now.
- I am no longer in therapy.
- I am start my new job this week.
- I am 100+ days clean. Triple digits!
- The quarter century crisis is still in full swing.
- Ana is rearing her ugly head a lot these days.
Stay tuned, folks. Lots of exciting stuff ahead!
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