Victory is Mine!

Ladies, never underestimate the power of a nice blazer and classic pumps. Seriously. This week, I went to my doctor's appointment not looking like I got run over by a freaking dump trunk. Instead, I was in the one business outfit I own (purchased no less than 2 weeks ago) in preparation for an interview I had after the appointment, and let me tell you, this was the best trip to the doctor's I've had yet.

You ready for this? My doctor actually listened to me! She took what I said into consideration, trusted my judgment, and came to reasonable solution that I was ok with. Here's how this all went down:

Doctor: Wow, Mary. Do you work today or something? You look very nice.
Me: Oh, it's just this interview thing later.
*Nod of approval on her part. Nervous twitching on mine*
Doctor: So, tell me how things have been going.
Me: It's speech time. Just like I practiced in the car. Well, I have been thinking, I mean... Ok, so here's the thing. I have been doing not bad. I mean, I have been, like, good and stuff. And I'm sick, and I mean really sick, of the side effects or whatever of my pills. Low libido. Loss of creativity. Sleepy, like, all the time. Ya know? It's.... hard and shit. I think maybe I want to... stop. Stop taking the pills. Maybe. Good lord, Mary. That was nothing like the car. What is it about these doctors that make me feel so small?
Doctor: *silence*
Me: I mean, I have been preparing with, um, lifestyle changes. Meditating. Journaling. Exercising. Ya know, mind-body stuff that is supposed to help with the bipolar. So maybe... I don't know. I don't like my pills.
Doctor: Normally we like to see the patient well for 6 solid months before weaning down, but you know yourself better than I do.... *blah blah blah, medical jargon, risks, but we can try, blah blah*

And then, victory was mine!!! She gave me a thread of hope, I bucked up like a champ, and my pills got lowered by a quarter. Instead of a full pill at lunch, I get to cut that fucker in half. Boo-yah!!!

This may seem like a small win, but this was 3 days ago, and I can already notice a difference. Boyfriend even noticed a change for the better. Part of the old Mary is back. I felt my creative energy rise up when I was at an art fair. I didn't feel like I was talking through a fog when socializing at a party. The look of an old, tattered barn inspires a yearning to explore again.

But I wasn't just feeding the doctor bullshit. No, I really have been making some serious lifestyle changes in preparation for this request. I am doing three tangible activities. First, I am writing in my journal every day. Even when I don't think I have anything important to write. I am not going to let those damn thoughts pile up in my head until I explode. Nope, they are getting released on the daily.

Second, I have renewed my commitment to meditation. I sit on my pillow for at least 10 minutes per day to repeat a positive mantra, reflect on my inner being, and be at peace with the world. Sure, the word "fuck" may get peppered into my mantras every now and then, but that's just a sign that it's still me. I am not a hippy. I am no Buddha. I am just a girl who is trying to make her mind stronger than her monsters.

Finally, exercise. I am getting off my ass for a minimum of 30 minutes a day to shake off the excess energy. To boost my self-confidence. To shed those hated pounds I put on thanks to those forsaken pills. This one is certainly the hardest, and I have to admit, I'm doing damn good. I have made it to the gym 4 days in a row and worked up a sweat. Not my usual walking on the treadmill while watching Boy Meets World. No, I actually run and lift weights and hardcore shit like that.

Before I end this "Woo hoo, I'm getting off my pills!" post, I need to say something. I need to let it be known that these pills I hate so much, these pills that have killed my creativity, dulled my personality, and made me fat, are honestly the best things that have ever happened to me. Without them, I almost certainly would have killed myself. Even though I have blamed them for taking away parts of life that made it worth living, they are the one thing that gave me a second chance. And for that, I am eternally grateful. I will probably keep a bottle in the back of the medicine cabinet, a safety net in case shit hits the fan again, but for now, I am ready to part ways.

A final fond farewell to Risperdal will hopefully be coming in the next couple of months. Soon to be followed by the Prozac. Off to join my Zoloft and Lithium and Lamictal and Seroquel to the land of discarded meds. Wish me luck.

Lifestyle Change #1: I am Zen

Its the Mystical Mallard, the rare
and endangered Zen Duck -
trouble rolls off its back like water off, well, a Duck.

Zen Ducks can't fly coz they are unflappable.

Yesterday, Boyfriend and I went to an open house at the Illinois Vipassana Meditation Center. And we decided that this is our path to Enlightenment  This is how we are going to achieve inner peace and exile our demons. This is our new way of life.

Let me just give you a brief overview. I'm not going to go into the philosophy of the practice because I won't be able to do it justice. Since I have not even become a student of Vipassana, I have no right to act as a teacher. But I can fill you in on what I learned as a visitor interested in maybe, potentially, possibly becoming a student.

This center, and ones like it all across the world, hold 10 day retreats that teach their students how to practice this ancient form of meditation. Each center plays the same audio tape so that it is totally uniform. No person learns it in a different way or gets at it from an alternative direction based on the location or teacher. Whether you are doing it in Illinois, New York, India, or Japan (I don't know if there is a center in Japan), you will be listening to the exact same instructions. And these instructions have been perfected over thousands of years. So if you follow them, you are pretty much guaranteed a life-changing experience.

Don't let the fact that they call it a retreat fool you. This is not a vacation. It is 10 solid days, from 4 in the morning until 9 at night, of meditating. Of healing your subconscious, crying, and pain. Of not eating after the noon hour. Of reflection and awareness. Of hard work.

Now for the kicker. The aspect that really separates the men from the boys and makes me think that, as much as I appreciate meditation, believe it is a valuable cog in my treatment machine, and am willing to work to achieve peace, I could not do a Vipassana retreat. As part of the experience, each student has to sign a promise of noble silence. Noble silence equals not communicating for the whole 10 days.

Some of you who know me personally may be thinking, "Mary, you could handle that, no problem. I knew you for 2 1/2 months before you spoke a word to me." Ok, fair enough. I don't talk much. It's not my thing. But noble silence goes well beyond just not talking. Since no one else is talking, there is no one to listen to. There is no gesturing. There is no eye contact. There is no music. There is no reading or writing, my bread and butter. What's that Lord Byron quote? "If I don't write to empty my mind, I'll go mad." I feel ya, bro.

10 long days of being totally stuck in my head. That sounds dangerous. I talked to one of the teachers about it, explained that I'm a little bit crazy and sometimes the lack of engagement can send me headfirst into a black pool of hell, more or less, as my mind races to the worst, and she told me that I would need to be interviewed to ensure that this is something that's safe for me to do. It may not be. It's not for everyone.

*Sidenote* On this trip to Illinois, I was reminded that, yes, I definitely still have bipolar disorder. I forgot to refill my lunchtime pills in my purse before we left, which means I was unmedicated for the second half of our adventure. And around 5:00 in the afternoon, I felt it. I could feel it in my head, my heart, and my stomach, the floodgates about to crumble, but thank god I had my anti-anxiety pills on hand. Crisis averted.

So, what do we do now? Now that the monsters may potentially steal the rug out from under me. Boyfriend is going to do it. In fact, he is totally pumped and ready to take on this challenge. And that makes me happier than he realizes. It is about damn time that he does something for himself. It will be good for him to get away from the craziness that is the girlfriend, in a good way, and work on his spiritual and mental well being. And I am so proud of him for jumping in the deep end. In a couple of months, he is going to learn the ways of Vipassana on a 10 day silent retreat. And he will bring back the wisdom to our humble home.

Until he comes back and  gives me some insight as to whether or not it would kill me, I am dedicating myself to other forms of meditation. Like that at the Milwaukee Zen Center or Milwaukee Mindfulness. I have phone apps with guided meditation and breathing techniques and, just to prove I don't do anything half-assed, we got rid of our couch, replacing it with pillows. We are going to get used to sitting on the floor, goddammit. (By "got rid of," I mean we put it in the basement. We didn't, like, set it on fire after coming home from the open house. So we're not that crazy, right?)

In order to keep myself from rambling on about things totally not related to becoming zen, I am going to end it here. But here are a couple topics you have to look forward to in the coming weeks (assuming I sit down to write).

• Lifestyle Change #2: Boyfriend and I are wheat free now. 
• I am no longer in therapy.
• I am start my new job this week.
• I am 100+ days clean. Triple digits!
• The quarter century crisis is still in full swing.
• Ana is rearing her ugly head a lot these days.

Stay tuned, folks. Lots of exciting stuff ahead!