All I wanted was to sleep...

I took my first Lithium 2 and a half hours ago. For about 2 hours and 20 minutes, I have been in analyzing mode. I keep staring at my hands to check if they’re shaking and stopping dead in my tracks, totally unprompted by any feelings of discomfort, to decide if I am nauseous. So far, no tremors or vomiting that I’m aware of.

When I went for my monthly check-in a few days ago, I was all set to tell my doctor how much better I’m doing. My creativity is back, I enjoy sex A LOT again, and I am no longer isolating myself from the people who love me. The one and only problem I saw was that my sleep schedule was off. I would be so wound up from the excitement of living again after being depressed for so long that it was difficult to relax my mind. That’s nothing a little Ambien can’t fix.

“Nope, you’re not happy; you’re insane!. No Ambien for you. Take TONS of Lithium and calm the f*ck down, crazy lady!”

Ok, that’s not what the doctor said at all, but that’s definitely what I heard. My anti-drug attitude made starting the Zoloft a couple of months ago unnerving enough. But being medicated for the same disorder that killed my mom was terrifying.

On the drive home, I thought of every reason I shouldn’t take it.

• I’m anorexic. It could be mentally damaging to take a drug that might make me gain a little weight. Taking it would be irresponsible.
• The next day is Thanksgiving. They expect me start a nauseating drug during the season of eating?
• I can try natural remedies to cure whatever I may have.
• I never drink enough water during the day. The lithium will kill my kidneys.
• If I take this drug, it will dull the creative side of me that earns my paycheck.
• No one knows that I have been prescribed it. I can just dump the pills and tell them my doctor wants me to stick with the Zoloft regiment. (Since I am not the secret-keeping type, I emailed Boyfriend at work about how upset I was before I even took off my coat.)
• I’m not crazy.
• Seriously, I’m not crazy. I’m fine.

Talking things out with Boyfriend reminded me that I have the best support system in the world. Boyfriend’s dad reassured me that the pills are meant to help but I am in no way committed to them. And one of my best friends promised me that he will keep me active so I don’t get fat. I stopped pacing, but still wasn't ready to accept it.

After all was said and done, it took a long, hot, soul-searching shower alone to get me to accept that this may be for the best. I am still extremely leery of the medicine and terrified that I might have my mother’s disorder, but I felt like not giving the Lithium a shot would be like taking a step backwards in my recovery.