I thought I was done feeling like this. With all the drugs I take throughout the day to keep me sane, I thought my days of waking up with tears in my eyes were gone. The part that is really f-ed up is that I think I woke up crying because I miss my crazy.
I miss being able to spring out of bed after 4 hours of bad sleep.
I miss not having to stop for breaks throughout the day.
I miss feeling invincible.
Deep down, I know that the manic part of my disorder is just as bad as the depressive part of it. But I don't care. It's hard to care when I still vividly remember how great some of my manic days were. All the work I got done. All the money I made. All the creative ideas that jumped out at me faster than I could write them down. Knowing that I could have that again even after a night of shitty sleep makes it hard to take my lithium in the morning.
How am I supposed to accomplish all the lofty goals I have for myself when my medication makes me too slow to carry out even normal tasks? But how am I supposed to justify dropping my meds when I damn near killed myself without them?
I think that is a fear anyone on meds has - am I really myself on them? But am I a person without them? Such a conundrum, really. It is what has kept me away from medication all these years. But then again, how much energy have I wasted trying to overcome the anxiety, the depression, the hopelessness of it all on my own?
ReplyDeleteI guess what you really have to ask yourself is if those lofty goals are realistic. Accomplishing small tasks regularly can get just as much if not more done than a manic episode followed by weeks of depression. And then you are really remembering it all and enjoying it all. Life is a process with no shortcuts. Cut yourself a little slack and I bet you'll be surprised how much you really can do.
Thank you for inviting me to read your blog and kudos to your desire to stop the stigma.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a learned balancing act. I also think that even those sans disease have to learn this balancing skill. Workaholics are some of the first that come to mind. It is learning to balance the body and the mind. Medication is an aid but not a solution. Fueling the body properly is essential. Ideas are great, what would we do with out people with great ideas? ;) Life is large and long. Write them down and someday you will be healthy enough to bring them in to fruition, tossed away, or replaced with larger ones. I wish you well.
I understand this. I was recently put on Zoloft and have noticed my energy dropping and my musician creativity not as sharp. But without them, I was having panic attacks every day. Gotta choose a side, and mental health is my choice for now.
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